November 3, 2015

Where am I at today.

Well I’m probably close to 190lbs. My face is covered in red blochey spots and pimples. My hair is limp and short because I can’t be bothered to actually take care of it. I feel horrible, disgusting and don’t see what RB see’s in me.

So there you have it…my self esteem is shot. I have to start working on that.

How’s my mood today: Frustrated

Why:

Today started out with me taking the day off work. I have on call shifts next weekend so I took today so I don’t have to work 12 days straight. So I send an email to my Team Lead, Director of my project team, and Bcc’d my colleague just so she would know. Then I went back to sleep.

At 9am I wake up and read my work email…Ugh why! I know no matter what there is going to be something in the email that is going to drive me nuts. My colleague has replied to my email stating that she is worried that launch support for our newest latest greatest title (the 900th title of its kind) requires more support and she would like to take her shift back from me for tomorrow. This puts me on edge within minutes. Why? I don’t know! I mean I do know. Its because I feel like she doesn’t think I can do the job as well as her. I think she thinks that I’ll fuck it up.

Where does that leave me:

Well all day I’ve felt shitty. I think that I’m not good at what I do. I think, oh man what it I am terrible and what if I do a bad job responding to emergency tickets that come in. All these things start running through my mind; like what if I haven’t ever done a good job. I must be so stupid.

All these thoughts repeat in my head for hours and hours.

I felt really good around 3pm. I took DG out for a walk, it was sunny and refreshing out there, I cleared my mind. Started to think positively about the next opportunities that lie ahead. I get home and bust up the tunes and start making dinner for my man. I’m having a great time. And then I do the unthinkable. I message my colleague just to confirm that she is in fact taking the shift tomorrow. She is.

For some reason this sets me off again. So I’m in the kitchen, dinner is ready RG, and DG are having fun in the living room and RG asks me a simple question…He asks “what happens when you wanna go somewhere” I don’t really know what he’s talking about. So I say “When, what are you talking about” He then explains once I’m working from home what happens when I want to go somewhere and I don’t have the car, what will I do. I snap “I dunno, what the hell” Then he comes into the kitchen and asks if he should make coleslaw even though I have a fresh salad made right in front of him. Oh I snap even more “WHAT THE FUCK, if you want coleslaw make your coleslaw” then I storm out of the kitchen.

I don’t know what I got so made. He was just asking a questions. I feel like I blow up over literally nothing. I get mad at him when really I’m just frustrated with work.

So what am I going to do to try and get out of this frustration:

I told RG I was mad about work. I started to write about it. And I explained that I should write instead of snap at him. Its a small step. He knows I love him. But I need to stop flipping at him when I’m mad at something else.

To help me focus on the good things I’m going to write 3 good things that happened today, and 3 good things I look forward to tomorrow:

Good things today:

  • Took DG on a few good walks today. On one of the walks a dog got loose and ran up to us, I secured the dog and the owner was thankful.
  • Made a great tasty and healthy dinner for RG and I. Although now I am eating a chocolate roll…small steps
  • Hanging on the couch blogging.

Good things to look forward to tomorrow:

  • DG is always so happy at the office, looking forward to seeing him so happy
  • Seeing RG after work. Its the best.
  • Try to go to the gym and work out for 20 mins…thats a goal!

Keeping positive

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